It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman. ~Proverbs 21:9
Recently, it was suggested that I revisit and expand on the topic of Christian men correcting maladaptive behavior in women. It’s a challenging topic, especially in an age where the words, “correcting women” alone, in any context, is enough to set off fireworks. And a good bit of waterworks, to boot. Nothing inspires emotional reactions in women and white knights more than blunt reality.
Still, the truth remains that we get what we tolerate in life. Every human being with boundaries has to correct the people who violate them or they are not a human being with boundaries. Men lost the memo on this one regarding women a long time ago and it has become a now tertiary cancer on our relationships.
Setting boundaries and correcting women often depends on multiple key factors, including the histories and shared values of the people involved. With people, you don’t get the luxury of a one-size-fits-all solution to anything. Dealing with women is certainly no exception.
Another complicating factor is that you can’t just isolate the challenge of correcting a woman and ignore everything that puts your situation into proper context. Every problem woman you ever dealt with was in some ways a direct reflection of your spiritual and mental health, and of the life choices you’ve made. Yes, all of them. No exceptions.
So, mapping out a successful strategy for dealing with women involves a top to bottom personal inventory and a good bit of scrutiny on a large swath of a man’s life. It’s with that in mind that I begin this series on relating to women. I have no idea how many parts it will take to write this out, so please bear with me. It’s going to be long. Very long.
It Starts with You.
Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. ~1 Corinthians 16:13
I have to assume many things about you from the start, not just that you’re a Christian man and dedicated to a pious relationship. That much I am taking for granted. I also have to assume that you’re reasonably stable financially, emotionally balanced, rational, mature and not prone to being abusive. I assume that you’re not the kind of man who gets or needs a big ego boost out of telling other people what to do. In short, I assume you know the difference between leadership and bullying.
To go even further out on a limb here, I’m also assuming that whatever family of origin issues you have (and we all have them) have been addressed as much as they can be, that you have grieved your losses, whatever they were, and moved on. At least to the point that you’re not looking for a woman to compensate for what you missed and/or suffered in childhood.
Furthermore, I’m assuming that you embrace red pill philosophy for men; that you understand gynocentrism, romantic chivalry (which deserves and will get its own essay) and that you have a solid grip on hypergamy, applied neoteny, and other concepts related to female and male nature.
I’m also assuming that you have developed a values system consistent with scriptural instruction on masculinity (which is red pill to the core), and that you have the spine to practice those values without hesitation in the face of adversity. That includes adversity at home. The Apostle Paul didn’t say, “…act like men, be strong, unless it makes her mad.” Or “unless she withholds sex or threatens to leave.” God, through Paul’s inspired writing, instructs us to be strong and act like men in all our affairs. I don’t want that to come across as preachy, but I think it merits pointing out, especially as most men’s relationship injuries are self-inflicted.
So, please read through that list of assumptions a couple more times for clarity. If you can’t check off each and every one of them in the affirmative, nothing I write past this point will be of any use to you. And I’ve only laid out the bare minimum.
Be careful what you ask for.
Dealing with women is one of the biggest, if not the biggest common challenge that most men will face. It requires you have a keen eye for what is needed and when, to have an assortment of strengths that you can draw upon as you encounter tests and overcome challenges. You’ll need to be part lover/husband, part father, part pastor, part friend, part psychologist, and, yes, part disciplinarian. You’ll need a firm, secure touch, and a firmer spine; an even, if sometimes callous hand.
Some men may find these demands too taxing. Too much work for too little result. Too much risk for dubious rewards. And to be sure, they have a point. There are no guarantees here. The sad truth is that you can bust your butt doing everything right and still get an ROI of exactly squat. Worse than that, you can bust your butt doing everything right and still get fleeced for your efforts, financially eviscerated, socially destroyed, alienated from your children, and even locked up in jail for your efforts. That’s how a lot of men end up hearing the name Paul Elam for the first time.
So, for many men these days, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. I find no fault in them, and indeed I have respect for those who reject that rocky path and go their own way.
On the other hand, I found personally that when I had the requisite skills to manage a relationship with a woman, the difficulty lessened considerably. And I can honestly say that I am happily married for 22 years (in God’s eyes, not the state’s). That success started with a major attitude adjustment about the importance of women in my life.
Rule #1. Anything you can’t live without can and will destroy you.
Consider this another one of the requisite skills. Another must have in your arsenal. Fact is, if you’re ever going to effectively lead a relationship with a woman, you must be prepared, each and every day, each and every moment, to see her walk. So, I’ll issue another reminder here. If you’re not prepared and willing to let her go at any moment, you’re wasting your time. Nothing emboldens bad behavior in a woman more than the knowledge that your boundaries will collapse the moment she withdraws affection or threatens abandonment. Millions of women dominate and abuse their relationships owing to this kind of bottom line emotional control.
It would be easy (and accurate) to point out that these women, like most, are relationship cancer. They disrespect their men routinely and without care, emboldened by the certainty that he won’t leave or defend himself. Her job, as she sees it, is to dish it out. It’s his job to take it. It’s a relationship contract from hell, but it can’t be carried out without a man’s willingness to tolerate it.
Whatever weakness you have in the face of her boundary violations is the Achilles Heel that will be your undoing. There are no victims, only volunteers.
I realize this is not welcome thinking for men who are 10 or 20 years into an abusive relationship. Undoing that kind of pattern is monstrously difficult. And the consequences of her “walking” involve a lot more than a broken heart. There are the marital assets, which the courts will give to her without blinking. There may be children. Abusive wives make alienating mothers.
If you want to fix the problem, however, none of those things matter. The rules don’t change because the consequences of acting are more extreme. So, if you’re looking for an easy way though this, you’ll have to look elsewhere. Wherever you’re at with the woman in your life is the bed you’ve made. Owning that, totally and completely, is the only thing we can call a starting point.
I hope you’ll stick with me as I lay all of this out in the days ahead. Feel free to leave your comments here. Ask any questions you like, or punch at any holes you see in the logic. I will address it all in the essays coming down the pike.
This will be interesting!
I like what you said about, “not looking for a woman to compensate for what you missed and/or suffered in childhood.” Very eye opening.